Whether you’re looking for Funny Quotes and Saying just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. Read through these and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. There’s nothing like a funny quote to relax an audience and make them receptive to hearing what you have to say. If you want to laugh, even more, take a look at these Funny Quotes and Saying that will crack you up.
Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 101 Funny About Old Friends we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle.
Funny Quotes About Old Friends
(1)
"When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. I’m very sorry, We did everything we could.. But he pulled through…"๐๐๐
-Rodney Dangerfield
(2)
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."
-Dennis Wholey๐๐๐
(3)
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
– Milton Berle๐๐๐
(4)
"The broccoli says: I look like a small tree , the mushroom says: I look like an umbrella, the walnut says: I look like a brain, and the banana says: Can We Please Change The Subject?…"
-Unknown๐๐๐
(5)
"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
-Will Rogers๐๐๐
(6)
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Navjot Singh Sidhu๐๐๐
(7)
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and, whatever you hit, call it the target…"
-Ashleigh Brilliant๐๐๐
(8)
"As you get older three thing happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."๐๐๐
-Norman Wisdom
(9)
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”๐๐๐
– Norm Crosby
(10)
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is…"๐๐๐
-Ellen DeGeneres
Funny Quotes For Crush
(11)
"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."๐๐๐
-Paul Terry
(12)
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”๐๐๐
– Phyllis Diller
(13)
"America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight…"๐๐๐
-Unknown
(14)
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." ๐๐๐
-Albert Einstein
(15)
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”๐๐๐
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
(16)
"Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head…"๐๐๐
-Garrison Keillor
(17)
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”๐๐๐
– Albert Camus
(18)
“If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.”๐๐๐
– Richard D. Wolff
(19)
"Skinny jeans are like calories. Easy to put on but impossible to take off…"๐๐๐
-Unknown
(20)
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”๐๐๐
– Andy Borowitz
Funny Quotes For Dating
(21)
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”๐๐๐
– Rita Rudner
(22)
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket…"๐๐๐
-Will Rogers
(23)
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love true love.”๐๐๐
– Robert Fulghum
(24)
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”๐๐๐
– Ann Landers
(25)
"If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days…"๐๐๐
-Robin Williams
(26)
“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”๐๐๐
– Anton Chekhov
(27)
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”๐๐๐
– Rodney Dangerfield
(28)
"Forget about the past, you can’t change it… Forget about the future, you can’t predict it… Forget about the present, because I didn’t get you one!!…"๐๐๐
-Unknown
(29)
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”๐๐๐
– Bernard Baruch
(30)
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”๐๐๐
– Ron White
Funny Quotes By Famous People
(31)
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant. I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years…"๐๐๐
-Mark Twain
(32)
“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”๐๐๐
– Bill Vaughan
(33)
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”๐๐๐
– Rodney Dangerfield
(34)
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed…"๐๐๐
-Albert Einstein
(35)
“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”๐๐๐
– Bob Thaves
(36)
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”๐๐๐
– Samuel Goldwyn
(37)
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election…"๐๐๐
-Bill Vaughan
(38)
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”๐๐๐
– Carl Sagan
(39)
“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”๐๐๐
– Si Robertson
(40)
"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road…"๐๐๐
-Yogi Berra
Funny Quotes About Life
(41)
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."๐๐๐
– Conan O’Brien
(42)
“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”๐๐๐
– Steven Weinberg
(43)
"Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes…"๐๐๐
-Jack Handey
(44)
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!"๐๐๐
– Conan O’Brien
(45)
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”๐๐๐
– Thomas A. Edison
(46)
"You spend the first 2 years of children’s life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up…"๐๐๐
-Unknown
(47)
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”๐๐๐
– Cullen Hightower
(48)
“Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”๐๐๐
– Thomas Szasz
(49)
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness…"๐๐๐
-Emo Philips
(50)
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”๐๐๐
– Dave Barry
Popular Funny Quotes
(51)
“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”๐๐๐
– W. H. Auden
(52)
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives…"๐๐๐
-Sue Murphy
(53)
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”๐๐๐
– Doug Larson
(54)
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”๐๐๐
– Walter Matthau
(55)
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized…"๐๐๐
-Fred Allen
(56)
“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.”๐๐๐
– Yakov Smirnoff
(57)
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”๐๐๐
– Douglas Adams
(58)
"A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun?”…"๐๐๐
-Maugles
(59)
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”๐๐๐
– Yogi Berra
(60)
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”๐๐๐
– Douglas Adams
Funny Love Quotes
(61)
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”๐๐๐
– Woody Allen
(62)
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers…"๐๐๐
-Mahatma Gandhi
(63)
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”๐๐๐
– Eleanor Roosevelt
(64)
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?…"๐๐๐
-Barbra Streisand
(65)
“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”๐๐๐
– Fred Allen
(66)
"Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. May be next time…"๐๐๐
-Unknown
(67)
“The first time I sang in the church choir;two hundred people changed their religion.”๐๐๐
– Fred Allen
(68)
"Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face…"๐๐๐
-Unknown
(69)
“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”๐๐๐
– George Bernard Shaw
(70)
"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free…"๐๐๐
-Bill Hicks
Funny Quotes And Jokes
(71)
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder a else you could do while you’re down there.”๐๐๐
– George Burns
(72)
"To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless…"๐๐๐
-Gustave Flaubert
(73)
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”๐๐๐
– George Carlin
(74)
"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too…"๐๐๐
-H. L. Mencken
(75)
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”๐๐๐
– George Carlin
(76)
"A Christian telling an Atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they won’t get any presents from Santa…"๐๐๐
-Ricky Gervais
(77)
“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”๐๐๐
– George W. Bush
(78)
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants…"๐๐๐
-Whitney Brown
(79)
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”๐๐๐
– Helen Rowland
(80)
"There are more men than women in mental hospitals…which just goes to show who’s driving whom crazy…"๐๐๐
-Hussein Nishah
Funny Quotes And Sayings
(81)
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”๐๐๐
– Helen Rowland
(82)
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man…"๐๐๐
-Lana Turner
(83)
“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”๐๐๐
– Indira Gandhi
(84)
"God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him…"๐๐๐
-William Shakespeare
(85)
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”๐๐๐
– Jackie Mason
(86)
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."๐๐๐
-Joan Rivers
(87)
“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.”๐๐๐
– Janet Evanovich
(88)
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus at age six when my mother took me to see him in a store and he asked for my autograph…"๐๐๐
-Shirley Temple Black
(89)
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”๐๐๐
– Jay Leno
(90)
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."๐๐๐
-Will Rogers
Funny Quotes With Pictures
(91)
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”๐๐๐
– Jerry Seinfeld
(92)
"There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature, it comes in attractive containers, and the cat can’t get it…"๐๐๐
-Irena Chalmers
(93)
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”๐๐๐
– Kurt Vonnegut
(94)
"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking…"๐๐๐
-Elayne Boosler
(95)
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”๐๐๐
– M. Scott Peck
(96)
"There is little chance that meteorologists can solve the mysteries of weather until they gain an understanding of the mutual attraction of rain and weekends…"๐๐๐
-Arnot Sheppard
(97)
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”๐๐๐
– Margaret Mead
(98)
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me…"๐๐๐
-Dave Barry
(99)
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”๐๐๐
– Mark Twain
(100)
"The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time…"๐๐๐
-Winston Pendelton
(101)
“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.”๐๐๐
– Martha Scott
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